Exhaustion and Letting Go

I could not get to sleep last night. Dylan was out working in the country. Well he said he was. I assumed he was. The last few times I tried to call or leave a sweet text I learned he was in his office trying to nap and I woke him up. So now I refrain. Give him space, let him be, let him create. Dating an artist is tricky some days. I tried to explain this one day. I tried to explain how that I am perfectly fine giving all the space in the world, I just need a commitment first. If I do not have a commitment then I do not know if I am letting go forever, but with a commitment, I know he is coming back and he can have all the time in the world. He said he understood completely and it sucked. I told him that was understandable and would he be back in time for dinner the next night. He wasn't. Typical. He did crawl in bed at about 11.


Next weekend is the Cotton District Arts Festival. I know he is swamped and he is trying to get the last few pieces ready before then. I just want a quiet night alone with him. He leaves May 26 for Israel. Well, London first, then Israel. Only 63 days. He shaved off 18 for me. That was sweet. I am so nervous. Last summer we were new, this summer should be old hat. But it isn't. I doubt it ever will be. I don't have Daddy to take care of the leaky faucets and remind me to mow the lawn while D is gone. I miss Dad. This summer is going to suck. I use to leave work and go have a drink with Dad and get my male fix for the day. Now it will be left to my cats. (Which are quite possibly the most effeminate beings on the planet.)

I dropped Cecelita off with her Dad tonight. They were both in good moods. Mom went with me. She and I had not had a good talk in a while. It was nice. Calming. I love talking to her and my sisters and yet at the same time it is when we have those somber moments that I am jerked back into the reality of having lost my father.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of mine and D's first kiss. That is right. Our first kiss was on Friday the 13th. It is actually kind of fitting if you know us. We had a bit of a rocky start. I asked him out, and he stared at me blankly and responded via email later that afternoon. We went out and I blew him off for a firefighter. He hung in there though and suffered through being turned down twice and once my honestly not knowing who was on the phone. (I know, I am awful.) But somehow we made it through and after dating two months he finally kissed me. Actually I kissed him. He refused to kiss me after I told him that I had a phobia about kissing and explained how it started at church camp after hearing a song about eating sushi and relating it to sucking on a bucket of tentacle slime. Somehow the image stuck with me and the thought of someone's tongue in my mouth would immediately conjure up that prepubescent image. So, I had to kiss him. Voila! I think we have done fairly well since then. That is if you give us credit for putting up with the craziness of the other party. (Although he swears that I am the one who is off in the relationship- I can't say I disagree.)

Yep, still sleepy. Still can't sleep. I have however found an amazing website. Songza.com. Enter artist or title and it will pull up 'bout darn near every piece of music close and let you listen away. It makes me happy. At present I am listening to Let Go by Frou Frou and will be on to Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos soon. I am in a somber mood. Misty really. I want to cry and just don't have the energy. Don't know if there is any one reason in particular. I guess I just want a catharsis. I will have to save it for another night. Lately I feel too tired even for that.

I did get the dog bathed and the tub scrubbed today. Go me. Oh, and I also went through Cecelia's ENTIRE wardrobe and learned that I got off easy last year and didn't have to buy anything because she barely grew. Not so this year. She has actually grown an inch in 22 days. Impressive really. So we spent a small fortune today restocking her closet. I am most proud of a shirt that has a whale on it. I like cartoon whales. They make me happy.