Chlamydia and Jell-O Salad

Most of you that know me, know what I do for a living. I work for a researcher and therefore, I am a researcher. My boss mainly sticks to societal deviants, alcohol, drugs, sex, crime, you get the drift. And I love my job. I do. It is bizarre no doubt, but it makes me happy. And I am good at it. Believe it or not, it is hard to meet people and get them to spill out their most intimate secrets to a stranger without feeling like there will be repercussions. That is what I am there for, I learn the nitty-gritty of your life, without passing judgment, so my boss can compile you with umpteen other people to figure out how to curb large portions of society from hitting rock bottom.

A month ago, I set up a time to meet with a girl for such an interview. She cancelled upon my arrival. I only get really annoyed when I travel more than two hours, this trip was three and a half, in the rain, a storm actually. I was not impressed. But we rescheduled, and I went back, only to have my computer crash, and I had to finish half an interview by hand. Oh well. Upon completion of an interview, I am supposed to collect a urine sample to be tested for Chlamydia and gonorrhea. She didn't need to go. Three glasses of water and 45 minutes later, she finally went, and brought back said specimen. We went through the song and dance about how I would call and let her know the results, etc. etc. Most of these girls I have to flip through notes a bit to remember specifics. This girl stuck out in my mind do to the surroundings. Yesterday, I called to let her know the STD results.

This whole dialogue is truly what happened give or take the exact wording- the only thing I left out is Susan's mother's running monologue about how hard she worked on making the Jell-O salad and how Susan would eat it, and Bob's continued "Who you talkin to?" and attempts to distract her...(false name to protect identity- I use Bob and Susan a lot)

I asked if it was a bad time, she promptly said "no". I began to tell her the news.
"Susan, your test results came back and your specimen was positive for"
"Bob, don't be ticklin me, I am on the phone, Momma, I don't want that jell-o salad it is crap, you still there?"
"Yes, Susan I was trying to tell you about your test results, do you want me to call back later, it is rather important."
"No, Did I fail? I thought you just wanted information?"
"I did, no you didn't fail, this is about the test where I needed you to pee in a cup..."
"Look, I don't do drugs anymore."
"I wasn't testing for drugs, I was testing for..."
"I'm not pregnant am I?"
"Well, I didn't test for pregnancy just for sexually transmitted diseases"
"What are you saying"
"Susan, your results came back positive for Chlam..."
"Bob, go get my food, but none of that Jell-O shit, you still there?"
"Susan you have Chlamydia."
"Am I going to die?"
"No, this will not kill you, but it is very important you go see a doctor."
"But I am not sick, Momma, I told you no Jell-o"
"Susan Chlamydia often has no symptoms, so you don't have to feel bad to have it, but it will make your body sick."
"I just went to the doctor and he said I was fine."
"Did he take urine or do a pelvic exam?"
"A what? No, he just looked at my throat because it was sore and my nose has been stopped up."
"Susan, this is different. This affects your reproductive health. If it isn't treated, it can make you sterile... unable to have babies."
"Are you saying I won't be able to have sex? Bob, back off this lady is telling me we can't have sex and I can't have babies."
"No Susan, if you do not go see a doctor and take medicine it is possible you would not be able to have babies."
"But I can still have sex?"
"Not until you go see the doctor. If you have sex without a condom right now, you will give the Chlamydia to whoever you have sex with and they will give it back to you."
"Am I going to have this forever?"
"No, you just need to go to the doctor, and he will give you a prescription for an antibiotic, and after you take ALL of it, you should be fine."
"Is this going to go away, are you telling me it isn't going to go away?"
"No, it will go away if you take medicine, and anyone you have had sex with takes medicine, and you use condoms until you are done taking the medicine."
"I got to tell people I have this disease?"
"Susan, you need to tell the people you have had sex with that you have Chlamydia, and they may have Chlamydia, and they should go to the doctor and get tested just to be sure they do not have it also. In the meantime, you need to use condoms when you have sex. Any type of sex, even oral sex."
"I gotta do WHAT?"
"Susan, do you remember the health class where they talked about condoms, how to put them on, how they helped prevent diseases and pregnancy? This is where they will help prevent diseases. You have a disease, you will give this disease to others if they do not wear a condom."
"So how do I keep from giving it to my boyfriend?"
"Okay Susan, you need to go to the doctor, tell the doctor you have taken a test, and you have Chlamydia. Tell your doctor you have a boyfriend and ask if he needs to come in for an appointment. Until you are done with your medicine, use condoms EVERY time you have sex."
"Is that all?"
"Well, that isn't bad."
"Not bad at all. You can do this Susan. Now, what do you have to do?"
"Go to the doctor, get medicine, tell Bob to use a condom."
"Yes, exactly. Call me if there is a problem."

At this point I thought we had made progress and Susan would have things under control. When I got in this morning I had a message from Susan, from Bob, and another message from Susan. I called Susan back. We started at the beginning of the conversation. It will be interesting to see what tomorrow brings.